roses in december

There is a picture that hangs in the cancer center where Wes gets his chemotherapy. It is a photo of a cancer patient with a radiant smile and no hair skydiving with the words "celebrate life" printed underneath. The first time I saw it I immediately became emotional. I was struck by how special cancer fighters and survivors, especially young ones, truly are.  They have a unique perspective. They understand how important it is to "celebrate" life because they have a better understanding of how quickly life can be taken from you. They understand what most people don't fully realize until they age and come close to the end of their mortal life. It is a perspective that comes when you see how short our time on earth really is. 

These cancer patients are unique because they reach a point where all they really want out of life is just a little more time. 

Things that seemed important before fall away while things that matter most become more apparent. When you stare the possibility of your own death in the face you are forever changed. It becomes more about making memories and building relationships then it does about getting ahead or making money. It becomes more about living in the moment you have instead of wishing for a future moment or something better.

I have learned so much from Wes's cancer journey especially after enduring that first weekend of uncertainty. We had no idea if cancer had spread to any other vital organs. We did not know the severity of his illness. On the way home from the hospital that first day he said to me through tears, "I just want to take our girls to Disneyland." and another time he confessed he just wanted to live long enough to baptize Halle, things we had taken for granted before.  Essentially, he was saying "I just want a little more time and here is what I would do with it."

My thinking has changed so much. Time has become a precious gift and I wonder to myself "what will I do with it?" I am so much more aware of all the distractions that threaten to take up my time.  Will I spend my time on my phone or watching television or will I spend it playing with my children and making memories with them? Will they remember that mommy played or mommy cleaned or mommy was on her computer all day? Will my husband know how much he makes me laugh or remember how much I nagged? This is not intended to frighten you or to make you uncertain of the future, but to tell you as someone who has seen someone who has had to travel that dark road to the edge and back just how important our own mortality is and what matters
It means you have to live right now, whatever that means for you and your own personal circumstances.

It means you're a little bit more willing to celebrate life and relationships and all of the seemingly mundane moments that go with it.

For me it means so many things. It means you have more days where you let your children play in the rain and just plain get dirty.  It means you camp out in the backyard and let them stay up a little late.  It means you let them help even if it takes three times longer.  It means you are more kind and tender and slower to anger.  It means they know you want to be with them.  It means you listen and listen and listen to that talkative four year old and all the things that are important to her. It means maybe you do what your spouse wants to do, even if it is watching them play video games while you sit beside them or they watch that girly movie just because it means they will be next to you.  It means you compromise just a little bit more. It means maybe you should be more quick to say sorry instead of my awesome silent treatment tactic.  It means date night every week isn't a nice suggestion but an absolute necessity.  It means courting and romance don't end after marriage, but a constant effort is made to treat each other like newlyweds.  It means more love notes in lunch boxes.  It means you hold hands more.  It means you say "I love you" so much more to everyone you hold dear and tell them why.  It means you see more things and appreciate the beauty of the small things.  A stormy day, a rainbow, a beautiful garden, cloud shapes, a child's laugh, snow, a nice long chat with a friend suddenly become something special.  It means being up at night with a child is less of a nuisance and more of an opportunity to snuggle them.  It means celebrating small victories, whatever they may be. There is no time to covet, be jealous, or unforgiving. It means vocalizing dreams and making plans to make those dreams come true.  

Wes and I have always wanted to go to Europe.  It has always been our "someday" dream to take a trip there together.  I have no idea if his cancer will come back.  I am not planning on it.  I am, however, planning on making memories with him in the meantime.  Things we have always said we'll do when we get out of school or when we make more money. So next summer we are taking the plunge.  We'll see London and we'll see France (and hopefully no one's underpants).  I am so excited to check this off our list! It is not about throwing our budget out the window or blowing all our savings on whatever strikes our fancy. It's not about living carefree, but about living on purpose. We of all people know that rainy days happen, our air conditioner and brakes on our car have made sure we remember that this past month. But maybe it means I don't need 2 pairs of floral jeans (but seriously one pair is a necessity) or maybe it means I don't have the house of my dreams.  But honestly do you think a child is going to remember their perfectly decorated home or their trip to Disneyland?  It doesn't mean you have to work to make every minute of every day count, there are some days that kids throw tantrums and it's dinner time and you're still in your pajamas that I don't necessarily want to celebrate.  It is about knowing when to seize the moment and celebrate life.  And maybe sometimes that means you grab some oreos and watch reality tv after a long day.

Time and the memories we make are so very precious.  There is a quote my sister-in-law shared on her blog by J.M. Barrie that says, "God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December." 

I am so grateful for the "roses" I already have stocked up and can't wait to grow some more with the people I love.

Are you growing your own beautiful roses?