mothering

mother's day dawn patrol with lily pie and a sleeping kikster

I did a lot of mothering today.  I wiped faces and changed diapers.  I held crying children and fed them food.  I rocked a baby to sleep.  I dressed them, combed hair, and took them to church.  I read books and picked up binkies and goldfish and whatever else fell on the floor.  I kissed cheeks and snuggled my girls.  Very fitting for mother's day right?  

I came home from church to find my sick and nauseous husband had cleaned my house.  It took him a long time and he had to stop a lot, but he did it.  Halle sang to me at church today.  She drew me a picture and filled a giant mother's day card full of her gibberish letters and her name over and over.  Wes took a video of her telling him what her card says so I would know what she wrote.  It mostly said she just wanted to play candyland with me.  Lily even scribbled a bit.  Wes got me flowers with the help of his mom and wrote a card that touched my heartstrings and will be something I think I will read often when I'm feeling down.  And he threw in a little jcrew.  He knows me too well. Needless to say, I felt very loved.  

My mother heart worried a lot today.  I worried about Lily's growth.  She had an infection just before Wes was diagnosed.  Her weight plummeted and since his diagnosis her height has plateaued.  Her growth charts are sobering things to look at.  I can't tell if her growth stopped because of the infection or the huge change in our home, they both happened about the same time.  I worried about the kids that are unkind to Halle and how it hurts her little feelings.  I worried about my girls' addiction to all things chocolate and that stubborn Lily has a hard time eating anything that is not cottage cheese or chocolate. I worried about Wes and how sick he is and will continue to be for the next six months. I worried about the piece of chalk Lily ate and the bump she got on her head after she took a tumble today. I worried a lot about the word "normal." I just want my children to feel normal.  I don't want Halle to worry about me going to the hospital wondering who will be watching her.  I don't want her praying for chemo to kill cancer, words I haven't even talked with her about, but she has somehow picked up on. I don't want Lily to be scared I am going to leave every time I turn my back on her.   I worried about doing it all and stretching myself too thin.  I worried about being the mother I want to be.  I can't be in two places at once.  I can't be the mother I want to be right now.  But I have faith my family will be taken care of.  And then I thought about all the women who have mothered my children while I am being what I need to be for Wes.  I thought of the sweet neighbors who dropped off goodies, bubbles, chalk, and little toys in the days after Wes was diagnosed and how it lightened my heart to see my children laughing and playing, oblivious to all that had happened.  I thought of friends who sent packages from afar filled with treats and toys and how Halle thinks every box that comes in the mail is for her now.  I thought of our own mothers who have had to slip so easily from the role of grandmother to the role of mother while we are away.  I thought of the cousins and siblings and aunts and uncles who set up a schedule so Wes was never alone and so the girls were never alone when mom left and Wes's family went out of town during his last week in the hospital.  I thought of how they felt so loved at each house they were shuttled to that week.  I thought of the friends who have mothered Halle and their own children as they invite her over for play dates.  I thought of the mother who was pregnant with her second set of twins and yet emailed me each week asking to have Halle over.  I thought of my cousin expecting her first baby who used her day off to come watch my girls while I got things done around the house. I thought of the mother also expecting a baby who cleaned up Halle's diarrhea accident she had at their house without even blinking an eye and sent her home in Rapunzel undies Halle thought were magical. (why are all the pregnant people helping me?)  Halle had about a week where she had a couple of potty accidents at other people's homes.  I don't know if it was anxiety or not knowing where the bathroom was, but each time I know it was handled with love and without shame. I thought about the friend who made lily a birthday cake and the friend who made a special delivery from the birthday fairy. There were so many examples of others stepping in and taking care of my motherly duties.  It lifted my heart to remember that we are not forgotten.  Heaven will provide for my children if I have the faith in my abilities to do all I can and the courage to then let others step in when I can do no more.

So today I am grateful to every single woman with that beautiful mother heart.  Some of you are not married and some of you don't have children of your own, but you have used that God given gift of being a mother to mother my children.  And so even though I can't be the mother I want to be at this moment in my life, I am not worried.  For I have seen all of you stand with me and lovingly mother my children when I can not.  You are truly doing the work of angels and I can't express how grateful I am. Happy Mother's Day to all of you wonderful women.