a different life

I have heard that some people don't enjoy reading blogs because they feel like people are just showing off. They supposedly show all the good stuff while hiding the bad stuff so their life seems perfect. In all honesty, my blog up until this point has been an accurate portrayal of what goes on in our home. It was not perfect, but to me it sure felt pretty darn close to it. Life was so good.

And it still is, it's just a different "so good."

Thursday

Last Thursday was the longest day of my life. What started out as some concerning symptoms and pain over a few months led us to seek out a doctor who eventually recommended a colonoscopy. The morning of we couldn't help but feel hopeful. We thought a quick solution would be found for the pain and life would continue on. After the procedure the doctor came in and said three words that are engrained in my memory, "it's not good." And then he went on and on about polyps and lesions and appointments with a surgeon and biopsies and look at these pictures and your children need to get colonoscopies at age 17 and genetics and on and on. My brain was still back at "it's not good." He left and we sat in silence and all I could do was hold my sweetheart and cry. They had found polyps on the right side of his colon that they easily removed and two cancerous lesions, one in his descending colon and one down low in his rectum. There was no need to even wait for the results of the biopsy. All you have to do is look at the diseased tissue they discovered and you can clearly see it is not healthy. My husband is not in his 60's, he is 28. Who gets colon cancer when they are 28? I now know the heart is capable of physically aching and being in actual pain. We met with a surgeon that afternoon and tried to wrap our minds around this news. The surgeon told us the location of the tumors made surgery more complicated and we were referred to a colorectal specialist. It seemed we were walking around in a fog that day, just going through the motions. We have felt encircled with love since we received the news. We know we are in God's hands. As I drove Wes home from the hospital, one of the things he said was, "I just want to bear my testimony to everyone." The Comforter has not left us. So much love was sent our way that day as family and friends came to visit, called, and texted. We were in and out of reality and I found myself thinking more then once "is this real life?" It broke my heart to see my love so worried about his body, about me, and about our darling girls. We were overwhelmed by the spirit and God's presence near us that whole day.

Friday

Friday morning we were scheduled for a CT scan to see if the cancer had spread to other major organs. The turmoil my heart and mind felt that day made me physically nauseous. Seeing my husband cry as he got ready for the day and hearing him sob as he changed lily's diaper later on made me feel like my heart would split in two. We had to wait at least two hours while Wes drank a couple of bottles of the contrast dye for the scan. They wanted him to drink one cup every ten minutes. I decided we should play a drinking game. Each time he had to drink a cup each of us had to say one favorite/funny memory about Halle or Lily. Those girls have brought so much joy in moments of trouble as we were laughing at things they do and say and Halle's videos she records of herself. He had the scan and then came the waiting. Late Friday afternoon the surgeon called to tell us there was no evidence of spreading to any other organs. As I held my mother and cried I felt so much lighter as if a burden had been lifted from my shoulders. Bless her for flying in to be with us. The peace I felt was incredible.

Saturday

Saturday started out as a rough day. Reality began to set in about the what we were about to be taking on in the coming weeks and months. We had no appointments that day so we decided to see if they would let us into the celestial room of the Mt. Timpanogos temple. I knew there was no way I would make it through a session without being seriously disruptive to other people. They told us we had to perform at least one ordinance in order to sit in the celestial room. As I sat waiting for my turn I picked up a Book of Mormon and the only prayer I could come up with was simply, "I need help." I then opened the scriptures randomly to two places. Alma 15 where Zeezrom is miraculously healed and Mormon 9 all about how God is a God of miracles for those who put their faith in Christ. Interestingly enough my mother in law read those very same scriptures in a temple that day too! I met up with Wes in the celestial room and the peace and comfort that surrounded us there was real. This is God's will for us. This is definitely not the life we planned. This trial was given to us to help us learn and grow. It hurts so much, but we signed on for this hurt long ago, because we knew what we could become if we endured it well.

Sunday

Sunday came and we "magically" (promised not to tell) were able to watch our stake conference from the comfort of our home. The theme was all about burdens. It was basically tailor made for what we were feeling that day. One gigantic tender mercy. I loved every minute of it.

Monday

Today was another big day full of tests. Wes was scheduled for a rectal ultrasound to determine how deep into his muscular tissue the tumors had penetrated, if they could perform the operation that would at least save some of his colon, and if it had spread to his lymph nodes. Wes's mom was able to come to this appointment and she told me how she woke up this morning full of joy and wanting to sing. I had felt this very same way since Friday when we got the CT scan results. Why would we feel this way if things were going to be bad? We decided it was Miracle Monday. And it really was. The doctor discovered the tumor had not penetrated the rectal wall, no lymph nodes were enlarged, and the lower tumor is just barely high enough to perform the surgery we want! A huge victory and we couldn't help but thank our Heavenly Father for this great blessing. I know all the fasting and prayers that were said on our behalf this weekend have helped us. Next up is a trip to the oncologist to discuss a plan of attack. Surgery first and chemo after or chemo first to try to shrink the tumors and surgery after. We are doing this.

All of your love and prayers and fasting have been felt this weekend. I really believe it is how we have been able to feel so peaceful all weekend. While we have definitely felt many emotions these past few days, the one we have felt the most is just plain grateful. Thank you Thank you. I don't think I will ever be able to say it enough.